***CONTEST!!!*** Win a badass corkscrew!

Hello Winos!

I've been threatening to hold a contest for a while now, and for those of you who didn't think I was good for it, I say PHOO! Behold, the first ever Know-Nothing Wine Contest, where you can win this badass sucker:



You know you want it. Impress women and make men fear you as you wrench corks out of bottles with your awesome knuckle power. Protect your precious wine from would be thieves. Slick back your hair, slide this bad boy over your fingers and start a street gang called "The Sour Grapes". You're as tough as you wanna be with this superior Knuckle Duster Corkscrew.

What do you have to do to become the owner of this treasure? Read on:

1)You have to be a follower of this blog. This means I need to see your little icon deely under 'Followers'.

2)You need to submit a minimum 250 word description of your best/funniest/most-memorable wine experience. Please post your submission in the Comments section of this thread.

3)The winning submission will be selected by an esteemed panel of judges (likely me and a buddy as we kill a bottle of wine).

4)The winner will be announced on this blog on December 15th, 2010, at which time the winner will email me their mailing address. With any luck, you'll have this piece of awesomeness in your hands before Christmas.

Well, what are you waiting for? Get writing! I want them wine stories!


'Til next time,

Barb

Better Know an Appellation: Chianti

"I enjoyed his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti!"

I had big plans of going to my Dad's this weekend and drinking Beaujolais-Nouveau (as it turns out, Dad loves it and buys it every year! Who knew?). Well, apologies to Dad as I spend the weekend as playground to a nasty, nasty cold virus. So instead, I languish at home bathing my hands in anti-bacterial gel and nursing an eye that looks like a cherry tomato. Trevor had the brilliant idea of escaping with the kids to First Light (a festival of light and local culture at Ste. Marie-Among-the-Hurons), and not to be denied my wine experience for the weekend, I decided it was time for part 2 of my series, Better Know an Appellation. The winner this time: Chianti.

Until now, the only thing I've known about Chianti is that Dr. Lecter enjoys it with human liver and fava beans (This is where you suck in air through your teeth. Go ahead, I'll wait 'til you're done.). You may also know Chianti as that palate-curdling wine your parents drank in the 60's and 70's--you know, the one that came in the funky bottle with the raffia on the outside. If you look in your parent's basement you'll find one with a candle stuck in it:



Ooooh, so that's Chianti! Well, yes. And no. Chianti doesn't necessarily come in that bottle anymore, and it's not that brow-singeing plonk of decades past. Let me explain.

Remember how we've discussed in previous posts how Europeans love to confuse the rest of the world by giving a wine and place the same name? This is the case with Chianti. Chianti is a region in Tuscany. In fact, I have read that when people talk about wanting to go to Tuscany, what they really mean is they want to go to Chianti. I'll have to go see for myself sometime, but in the interim I believe it. Go to Google Images and search Chianti and see for yourself. I want to go to there!

Chianti is also a wine made from no less than 80% Sangiovese grapes (da rules state small amounts of Merlot, Cabernet Sauvignon, Syrah, Canaiolo and small amounts of the white grape Trebbiano are allowed). Tuck that nugget of information into your brains: Chianti=Sangiovese. By law, only wine from this region that adheres to the rules of what goes into Chianti may be called Chianti.

A long, long time ago, in the 1950's, Chianti was a serviceable wine popular with Americans because it was cheap and quaffable. Along came the 60's, and Chianti rose in popularity--partly due to the BoHo chic of that bottle-in-a-basket--but sadly it plummeted in quality. High demand for cheap Chianti resulted overplanting unsuitable grapes and un-saavy blending practices, which just about pooched the region's reputation forever. Concerned Chianti wine producers saw the writing on the wall, and decided to steer the ship in a different direction. I'm so glad they did!

Chianti today is a yummy, earthy, smoke and leathery, red-fruity wine made from a Sangiovese clone. In fact, Sangiovese is this region's Alan Rickman--a superstar capable of morphing into many pleasing incarnations (yes, I can work Alan into any conversation). Sangiovese has the ability to spontaneously change its genetics. Apparantly, there are hundreds of Sangiovese clones in that region alone that have just 'appeared' because of the plants' remarkable adaptability.

So you want to try some Chianti RIGHT NOW? Alright already, don't get your knickers in a twist! Go to the LCBO Vintages section and pick up a bottle of San Michele a Torri Chianti 2007. It's got a cute illustration of an Italian soldier holding a pointy-looking sword. Let it breathe a little bit, and then enjoy the red cherry, smokey goodness. Don't live in Ontario? Look for bottles of Chianti that say Denominazione di Origine Controllata e Garantita (or DOCG for short). If you can afford a bottle that says Riserva or Chianti Classico, go for it. Or hop on a plane to Italy, bicycle over to Chianti, park yourself under an olive tree and enjoy a glass there. Yeah, that last option, that's the one...

Putting my sick-ass self to bed. Happy drinking all!

'Til next time,

Barb

My Favourite WIne Commercials!

Guess what, my little champagne bubbles? It's nostalgia time!

I've had the Hochtaler lady song stuck in my head for a few days now (yes, I'm a child of the 80's). Remember the Hochtaler lady?



She was pretty hot, but what about that Spumante Bambino lady? She's charming in her chiffon, but it's the pianist--no, that moustache--who is the real star. RWOR!




Those were the most memorable examples from my 80's childhood, but what of earlier decades? Let's turn back the time machine a little further, and enjoy this wine commercial from the 50's. I always love it when Marie Antoinette comes to Thanksgiving:



Moving up a decade, the 60's were clearly a time of invention. Apparently the Gallo family created something called 'Pink Chablis'. I'm pretty sure they've made a deal with the devil, because if any other winery tried this kind of fuckery, they'd dry up faster than a fallen grape in the sun:



Were people not drinking wine in the 70's? I can't find much in the way of wine commercials for this decade, but I did find this commercial for something called 'Thunderbird'. I have no idea what it is, but it makes me want to get down!!




Scooting back up to the 80's, remember Riunite? It's a wine rainbow! And I'm staggered by their GENIUS marketing slogan 'Riunite is nice'. Brilliant!



And finally, if these vintage commercials have caused you to go on a bender, watch this LLBO PSA from the 80's, and decide whether you're acting as badly as the dad in this commercial:



'Til next time,

Barb

What's the Big Whoop: Beaujolais Nouveau

Hello my juicy little grapes. Welcome to my other new series: What's the Big Whoop? In this series I will be sharing with my fellow know-nothings the scoop on wines that are supposed to be "kind of a big deal around here". And it's perfect timing too, because every 3rd week of November there are loads of people who go koo-koo ka-ka over release of Beaujolais-Nouveau. What is Beaujolais-Nouveau? I'm so glad you asked!

Perhaps it'd be a good idea to take a step back and ask, what is Beaujolais? Well, in fact it's two things: a place and a wine. Beaujolais the region is North of Lyon and South of Burgundy. It is unique in that this region produces wine from one grape only--Gamay. Now Gamay is grown in all kinds of places the world over, but it grows particularly happily in this little nook of France. By law, only wine from this region is permitted to be called Beaujolais; the French name their wines after the region not the grape, so tuck it into your little brains, Beaujolais=Gamay.

Beaujolais the wine has been called "the gateway drug into the world of red wine". I totally get that. If you've been following the blog all along, you'll remember my initial posts were about Beaujolais, and how it roped me in to trying more wines. It's because its just so dang different than any other wine out there. If your wine experiences have largely been the vinegary u-brew your uncle Charlie made for your sister's wedding/the pink champagne you barfed at your after-prom party/the mouth-puckering tannin blaster you pretended to like because the guy you had a crush on said it was his favourite (circle all that apply), then a wine like Beaujolais is a breath of fresh air. It's as light and fruity as Johnny Weir; there's virtually no tannin, no complex smells or aftertastes, just simple, gulpable wine. Beaujolais likes to be chilled a bit before you drink it (15 minutes in the freezer will do).

So what of Beaujolais-Nouveau? Technically, it's the first Beaujolais made at the end of the harvest season. By law, the grapes are super carefully hand-picked so as to preserve the bunches intact. After harvesting, the whole grapes are places in cement or stainless steel tanks, where they are fermented for just a few days. Keeping the grapes intact causes the fermentation process to happen inside the grapes themselves. Wine fermented this way turns out very fruity and lacks tannin, thus upping its quaffability quotient. Beaujolais-Nouveau is released just 6-8 weeks after harvest. The French make a party of it; “Le Beaujolais nouveau est arrivé!” is the traditional celebratory decree. There are parades and parties and p.r. moments, all toasted with this very new, fruity wine. Oddly enough, it's become a traditional Thanksgiving wine with Americans, who celebrate that holiday right around the time Beaujolais-Nouveau is released.

There's only so much Beaujolais-Nouveau made, so once its gone, its gone (for another year at least). If a bottle found its way into your wine rack this week, don't hang onto it much past Christmas. It's meant to be drunk right away; leave it too long and it'll go yucky on you (lack of tannin means it doesn't age well).

What did I scoop up in the way of Beaujolais-Nouveau this weekend? I was sucked in by the colourful label of Georges DuBoeuf, and plucked a much more conservative-looking bottle of Joseph Drouhin off the shelf. Both are Beaujolais-Villages, which is supposed to be slightly higher quality than Beaujolais (I'd tell you why but you'd get bored and stop reading). I'll let you know which one I liked best when they're gone.

Off to bed now. Me, not you. You can stay up if you like. I however am done for the day. If you're inclined to stay awake and drink Beaujolais-Nouveau, send me a note and tell me your thoughts on the stuff.

'Til next time,

B.

Post on the fly

All week I've been running like crazy person, preparing for this weekend's artisan show. I sell my artwork to the public at a few of these shows every year, just for fun and a little extra income. My sales have been crazy good this weekend; people are jostling and snatching and handing over great fistfuls of money--HOORAY!! (if you need a refresher on what I do, click here). It's exhilarating and exhausting work, and at the end of the day all I want to do is put on my old tracks and drink a glass of wine. BUT despite the koo-koo ka-ka of the last few days, I insisted Trevor go home via the Bayfield LCBO in Barrie, so I could swipe a couple of bottles of Beaujolais-Village Nouveau. My email from Vintages alerted me that this annual treat was just released in stores, and is available while quantities last (which is not long). I didn't want to miss out; once it's gone it's gone for another year, so I picked up two bottles, plus a Chianti that sommelier hottie John Szabo gave a score of 89, and a something special for Mlle. K (but I'm not saying what! Heh heh! Neener neener!).

Off to bed with me, so forgive the light posting this week and please enjoy this video of Steven Seagal practicing the art of subtle innuendo with Kelly LeBrock. Enjoy!

The Rickman Rating System

Hello Winos,

I'm happy to announce that I am introducing the International Alan Rickman Wine Rating System to this blog. Who needs those damned 100 pt. scales when we have the thousand faces of the World's Greatest Actor to tell us what to think about wine? If you're not an Alan Rickman fan and have trouble interpreting this scale of wine-worthiness, you're probably some rye-drinking jerk who watches the Jackass movies, so get the hell off my blog. If, however, you think Alan Rickman is a living treasure and the epitome of mature hotness, please enjoy the following wine scores:

Clos LaChance Hummingbird Series 2006 Merlot from the central coast of California was a very jolly, drinkable wine. I gave it one smouldering Rickman, two dapper Rickmans and a Rickman snuggling up to a door (oh how I wish I were that door!).



Next up, we have Spier Vintage Selection Pinotage 2006 from South Africa. This smokey, intensely tobacco wine was hot, so I gave it four smouldering Rickmans in Period Costume.



Moving along, Wine by Joe's 2007 Pinot Gris from Oregon was fruity and a little tart. Lots of peach flavour but it made my mouth pucker. I gave it one Alan cuddling the door, one sexy young Alan making love to you with his eyes, and one Alan with forehead ridges.



Lastly, we have a wine from upstate New York: Caywood Vineyards 2008 Estate bottled Dry Riesling. As much as I loves the Finger Lakes, this wine was not my bag. I gave it one Severus Snape.



I hope this gives you a clear insight to my completely subjective responses to these wines/my Alan Rickman obsession. I'm sure this new method of grading wine will make sense to women in their 30's everywhere. And while I don't think it'll be replacing Robert Parker's 100 pt. scale any time soon, I for one think it's much, much hotter, n'est pas?

xoxo

'Til next time,

Barb

Trudy sent me this..

Thank you, Trudy, for sending me a link to this clip. I don't know who any of these people are, and the two douchebags on the right are pretty funny, but the bald guy on the left is a FUCKING COMEDY GENIUS. I am not kidding. Enjoy.

Lorri Drinks Across America: The Chicago Edition

Lorri's 'Home Away from Home' whilst in Chicago. Nice shack!


Lucky me! I am away for the weekend, selling me photographs at market, but Lorri was able to step up to the plate AGAIN and write another blog entry. Seems she's determined to drink in every state; now if only we can get her to try something other than Californian wine!! (I tease you , sister! I tease because I love).

Lorri writes:

Greetings from Chick-cahh-go.
I hope you won’t mind me crashing Barb’s blog so frequently, but all the travel this month has allowed me to sample wines, at Barb’s strict instructions of course.

Is Chicago a wine region? I thought I would find out. Well I do know for sure they serve wine in Chicago, so off I go.

Before I get to the wine part, can I just say that I am staying at the most ridiculously lavish hotel I have ever stayed in – the Trump International Towers in Chicago. I believe it is the tallest building on the Chicago skyline.

I stepped out of my sweaty airport shuttle to find a SWAT team of bellhops, personal assistants and concierge’s taking control of my suitcase while offering me a hot lemon and ginger towel on a bamboo board as I stepped to the reservation desk. I think someone at the beginning asked my name, which I must have mumbled in shock, because by the time I got to the reservation desk, they were already well underway to checking me in. Wow. I suddenly wished I had taken extra care that morning to pick all the dog hairs off my coat and use a more expensive set of luggage.

I rode the glass and brass elevator up to my room on the 17th floor to a room that reminded me more of a spa with a spectacular view of Chicago than a hotel room. I have never seen a hotel room like this – I have a stainless steel DISHWASHER in my room, okay?? My bathroom really does look like a spa . There is a television built into the surface of the mirror in the bathroom…a full bathtub with class enclosed floor shower along with jets that threaten to “bidet you” if you’re not careful….several brands of designer water (mom would laugh at the “Bling” water, which comes in a rhinestone encrusted bottle – at $25USD per 750ml bottle), full stocked martini fridge with fine vodkas ….a bed that looks like a puffy cloud…. A full kitchen with granite countertop, cupboards of complete fine glassware and table ware, another cupboard full of high end gourmet snacks, an expensive looking espresso maker....the lunch menu has a lobster clubhouse for only $37USD (gulp). I just ate the gourmet chocolate chip cookies out of the bar fridge...that probably just cost me about $23 bucks ...but they were good. So you get the idea – Wow –wheee-wow-wow. And what a view.

I hook up to the high speed to get ready to do some work and realize that it’s noon somewhere, and open a mini bottle of wine that comes with the room. I’m vaguely worried that it may cost me something like $85 for the glass of wine I am about to try, which I hope is not true.

The corked halfie was labelled “FRANCISCAN ESTATE – MAGNIFICAT – 2007 Napa Valley Meritage, Red Wine”. Strange I thought that the label did not specify Merlot, Cabernet, etc etc...so I checked the label on the back and read:

“Napa Valley, Meritage, Red Wine
As a seamless and harmonious as the Bach masterwork it honors in name we crafted Magnificat to be a blend of the vintage’s finest lots from our Estate and other select vineyards. This Meritage shows layered aromas of cassis and plum, with ripe black fruit flavours and hints of vanilla and spice. (Remember, Know-Nothings, if you read my label-decoding post, you'll know that Meritage means a Bordeaux-style blend. Expect blends of Cabernet Sauvignon, Merlot, Cabernet Franc, and to a lesser extent, Petit Verdot and Malbec.--B.).
Well there is my answer – it’s a blend. I don’t think I’ve ever tried a blend before. (n.b. You probably have.--B.) So I popped the cork and let ‘er rip – or is that let er’ sip. I noticed it’s a very dark wine...took a big taste...and...my official response................ “Meh”.

It was okay, but just okay. I don’t think I would buy this wine on purpose. Kind of a surprise, given my love of Californian wines, I say nay on this one.

Later that evening, I had to attend a welcome reception for the event, and moved up to the bar to examine a different red to report on. And what to my wondering eyes did appear but a delightful HESS label – but this time a white Chardonnay. You may recall from my initial blog my delightful experience with the HESS Cabernet – so I changed my focus from red to white wine. I must say I was not at all disappointed – a delightfully dry refreshing yet very flavourful white wine. When I drink white I usually drink Pinot Grigio, but this was an amazing Chardonnay. So a score of two-and-oh for Hess wines – another fabulous home run. Mental note to consider a winery sampling trip to Hess Vineyards next time I visit California.

Final note – dinner the next night with my classmates involved surf and turf – given my great experience with Chardonnay the previous day, I asked for a glass of the Chardonnay, however didn’t get a chance to ask which brand. Anyhoo, didn’t even finish the glass – it tasted like sweet applejuice wine. Yuck. Will have to study this one a bit more.

Off to bed, an early morning tomorrow as I head to Ottawa. I wonder if Ottawa is a wine region?

(I didn't think Ottawa grew anything but snowbanks and crooked politicians, but apparently there are five wineries to discover in the region. You can find out more here: http://www.wineriesontario.com/ottawa--B.

Pinot Purgatory

I am caught in Pinot Purgatory. Having tasted what was possibly the best wine I've ever had (Belle Pente's Pinot Noir), it's been a never ending search, always reaching, never finding another quite as good. Can you hear my soul wail at it despairs at being separated from the Divine One forever? Where are you, excellent Pinot Noir? Where? Where? Where?...(her voice trailing off into a whisper, Barb's pale visage sinks backward into a dense fog. End scene).

I've picked up a few bottles recently and here's my completely subjective opinion. All of these wines are available from a well-stocked LCBO (which means if you're from Midland, you'll have to go to Barrie. Quel Suprise.).

Le Clos Jordanne Pinot Noir 2007
This wine is supposedly some of the very best, award winning Pinot Noir Ontario has to offer. I had high hopes. They were dashed, or rather slowly deflated like air being let out of a balloon. I tried this wine 3 times to be sure. IMO, it was not worth the $40 I paid for it.
Darkish colour, very perfumey smelling, like walking into the florist shop. The smell I liked.
Taste: alcohol burn, strawberry, mouth puckery raw peas. Verging on the edge of bitter. Ok, not great, I expected better.

Andrew Rich 2007 Pinot Noir Wilamette Valley Cuvee B
I found this Oregon Pinot Noir in the California section of the Barrie liquor store. I'm sure Oregon doesn't mind being considered part of California, right? Oregon is like California's very stylish hat. If you protest, write the LCBO and tell them to give Oregon its own dang section!!!
Colour: very, very light and super clear. Unbelievably clear. It looked like someone ran a Photoshop filter over it to make it appear clear and sharp.
Nose: lush, ripe strawberries from the garden, fresh and mossy smelling
Taste: super-smooth---UNBELIEVABLY smooth; very fresh strawberry; soft, ripe camembert; creme brulee. Gorgeous. Not the orgasmathon experience I had with Belle Pente's offering, but still, really, really good.

Cave Spring Pinot Noir 2008
I had high hopes for this next offering. Cave Springs makes the most excellent Riesling evah, so it was my hope that their Pinot Noir was equally as good. They didn't disappoint me.
Colour: dark!
Nose: Rose for sure, and maybe a bit of cocoa?
Taste: If the Oregon Pinot Noir was pretty, this wine is sexy. Intense flavour, like fresh, crushed raspberries. There's a bit of minerality there. Nice and smooth going down, no scrape across your tongue bitterness. I think this has the distinction of being the nicest Ontario Pinot Noir I've had so far. Not break the bank either; I think it was around $17.

Final assessment: there's a good, an even gooder and a forgetter. Still searching for that holy grail Pinot Noir though. I may have to sashay over to Oregon to get it. Yes, sashaying is my primary method of transportation.

I'll leave you with this Kate Bush video, which is eerie, because this is EXACTLY the dance I do Saturday nights whilst wandering the moors, looking for that delicious, elusive, perfect Pinot Noir. In fact, if you exchange the words 'Kathy' for 'Barb, and 'Heathcliff' for 'Pinot Noir', you have a song that precisely describes my condition. It's like Kate Bush used a time machine to travel into the future, spied on me, then travelled back to her own time and wrote this song.

Guest Blog: Lorri in San Francisco, Part Deux

Part Deux - Ho Hum

Well after immense peer pressure, let me submit Part Deux from my travels to San Francisco, which I fear may be somewhat anticlimactic at this point. Note the delay between blog posts - and this is exactly why I don`t blog - my dear readers would unfortunately forget my name in between posts. So I am quite happy to ride on Barb`s Know Nothing coat tails, and contribute where I can. I may be somewhat overqualified to contribute to this blog - I really do know nothing about wine, much much less that Barb at this point.

May I just point out however at this point she may have to rename her blog to Know Some-things Blog - I have learned some most interesting facts and trivia from my dear sister thanks to this blog - and now I dub thee the Cliff Clavin of the wine world. Thank you for all the interesting and obscure wine trivia. (And you didn't even have to ask. You're welcome!--B.)

Back to San Fran.
Well in my last blog I promised to tackle the French side of the menu - which I never made it to on the last night of my trip, so very sorry to disappoint. I must at least in part blame it on my classmate Kristine, a fabulous successful thirty something from Chicago in the same industry as myself - we gabbed for hours over the most delicious Cosmos - and forgot all about the wine.

I had to fly home at the end of the next day - but had some time to kill before my flight, so I called Barb for a lifeline on which French wines to try - she hmmm`d over the list while I secretly decided to steal one last glass of that delightful Hess instead of risking another glass of heartburn before heading off on the airport shuttle. Why mess with a good thing? So I sat in front of a beautiful fireplace in my Parisian hotel, with free fast wireless, typing up all my new inspiration over a glass of Hess Cabernet Sauvignon. One of those `moments`in life, you know what I mean?

In conclusion dear reader, I confess I am guilty of shirking my wine homework..... I need to study harder.....Much harder...... :D

PS - Heading to Chicago this week...is that a wine region?

(Apparently every state makes wine, including Illinois. I've never tried any, but you can view the Illinois wine-maker's website here.--B.)

Drinkin' Wine Spo-Dee-O-Dee!

Happy November everyone! I trust you've all had a fun and safe Halloween. It was cold, but the kids got their candy and I got a kick out of my adorable children dressing up as a black cat and jester. And I'm proud to say I haven't eaten even one Halloween treat out of their bags! Discipline!

Let's start the month off with a little music, shall we? I've just found the next song I'm going to learn on my gee-tar; it's called Drinking Wine Spo-Dee-O-Dee, by Stick McGhee (later covered by Jerry Lee Lewis)

Enjoy, my lovey doves! (Next post is a face off between Ontario and Oregon Pinot Noir!)



'Til next time,

Barb